I’m reluctant to admit that Spencer Pratt could be an authority on anything besides growing a daffodil-colored chinstrap, but he’s onto something with his new book How to be Famous. Co-authored by wife and The Hills co-star Heidi Montag, the book uses a bunch of pictures, splashy headlines, and even some text to guide amateurs into a life of baiting paparazzi and achieving that elusive sixteenth minute of fame. Their quest isn’t exactly noble, but their instructions are direct, truthful, and oddly self-effacing.
The best quotes from How to be Famous (out November 15) level with the “reader” (I’m using the term loosely here), spew with inner-fishbowl commentaries on fame, and evince strange threads of self-loathing. Finally, a barely ironic dissertation on the disconnect between self-promotion and self-esteem.
Prologue: “You probably walked by this in the bookstore and said, ‘Wait, those #$@^$# have a BOOK now?’ But here you are reading it. Don’t hate yourself.”
Chapter 2, “Spencer Pratt’s Guide to Playing the Villain”: “When I was watching pro wrestling growing up I always rooted for the bad guys. You know why? Because it was really boring watching Hulk Hogan go through the same routine of getting his ass whipped but then somehow finding the strength to pull it out in the end with a body slam and a leg drop. Just like it’s really boring watching some blond chick be nice to people, get trampled on by every guy she dates, and end up finding solace in the arms of her friends. Yawn.”
Chapter 2, “Spencer Pratt’s Guide to Playing the Villain”: “If I weren’t me, I’d HATE me.”
Chapter 6, “Tell Your Story”: “Never lose sight of the fact that there are always people who legitimately want you to go away.”
Chapter 9, “Getting Work Done is Your Job, by Heidi; Section: Boobs”: “There’s a reason [Pamela Anderson] is one of the most recognizable women in the world, and it’s not because of her fine work in Barb Wire.”
Chapter 9, “Getting Work Done is Your Job, by Heidi; Section: Nose”: “Repeat after me: deviated septum.”
Epilogue: “Isn’t bringing fun, laughter and feuds into someone’s life the best thing people could possibly do for others? Maybe celebrities ARE important! Take this newfound responsibility as an honor.”
I haven’t seen an examination of self-worth this in-depth and projected since Madonna’s Truth or Dare. And we don’t even need Warren Beatty to acknowledge that Heidi Montag has no reason to live off camera. Poignant stuff.
credit -Louis Virtel@movieline.com